No Big Deal, Hatter!
by jjhatter
Summary: Riddle me this: what would happen if you put pishsalver in a Mad Hatter's tea? R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Hi there! I meant to hold onto this until I'd finished _Alice Underground…_but I just couldn't wait! I hope you all enjoy it…I'm having fun writing this! I'd like to thank katzsoa and Niphuria…you both have helped quite a bit! And now, for the boring things…

Rating: K

Disclaimer: I regret to announce that I STILL don't own _Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland,_ and probably never will. All rights go to Lewis Carroll, Disney, and Tim Burton.

Summary: In this story, we shall find the answer to that age old question that has plagued man for years: What would happen if the Mad Hatter shrank to the size of a mouse? (pause) Who wrote this?

**Chapter I: Just One Tiny Problem…**

Mallymkun looked around with a broad grin.

The Mad Hatter was asleep. The March Hare was in the windmill, getting some more sugar.

The newly filled teacups were still steaming a bit.

_Perfect._

Slowly, stealthily, the white dormouse crept over to the teacups on the dish. She smirked as she leaned over the rim of one of the large ones.

Why was she feeling so mischievous? So very, very naïve? Could it be the seven cubes of sugar she'd somehow managed to cram into her miniature teacup that morning, she wondered? Did it really matter?

Mally looked over at Tarrant once again, just in case.

He was still napping.

Stifling a giggle, the little dormouse reached into her apron pockets and pulled out a tiny, black vial. She uncorked it quietly and tipped its contents into the cup closest to Thackery's current seating position. Then she raced back to her spot, and sat down just as the Hare came out of the windmill, the creaking door hinges rousing the Hatter immediately.

"Hm? What? Oh!" he exclaimed, and smiled at the Hare as he slammed a bowl of sugar cubes onto the table, hopping into his seat. Sugar flew everywhere.

"Sugar's here," grinned the Hare.

"Pass some here, Hare!" Mally said, waving a paw.

"Nae!" snapped Thackery Earwicket, clutching the bowl to his chest protectively. "Nae more fer ye, Mally! Ye've had enoough today!"

Mally just smiled as the Hare placed the bowl back on the table, and then handed her tiny cup over to her. She blew away the steam, and watched as the Hare flicked two cubes at the Hatter, who caught them in one hand and dropped them into his cup. The Hare took three cubes himself, and put them in his cup.

"Not too many, Thackery!" warned Mally. "It might be a _little _too sweet for you!"

The Hare gave her a strange look.

"Yes, and then you'd start acting like her," joked Tarrant, smiling at Mally.

God, she loved that smile…

She blushed a bit and giggled, taking a sip of her own tea.

Tarrant and the Hare each raised their cups in toast. Mally joined them.

"To the Frabjous Day!"

"Aye!"

"Why not?"

GULP.

Gulp.

gulp.

There was a short silence. A rare thing at the tea parties of the March Hare, the Mad Hatter, and the Dormouse.

Mally never took her eyes off Thackery, not even bothering to hide her expectant smile. (Which was fine, since the Hare never noticed it.) It was only a matter of time…the tea would delay the effects of the potion.

"So…" she began after a short while. "Thackery, did you notice anything…_different_ about your tea?"

Thackery looked at her curiously.

"Nae…"

"Not even the _smallest_ difference? A_ little bit_ of a…sour flavor?"

"Er…nae…" replied the March Hare, uneasily. "Whatcha talkin' aboot, Mally?"

"Oh," Mally said, disappointedly. Perhaps the tea had dulled it completely…

Then she looked at the Hatter.

He was smacking his lips, as if trying to rid his mouth of a most unpleasant taste.

_Oh…no…_

"W-well…what about you, Tarrant?"

"Well…er…I…uh…" stammered the Hatter, and coughed. Recovering, he cleared his throat and looked at his fellow party-goers. "Say…Thackery…Mally…what was in that tea? No offense, but _I_ think it tasted quite awful."

The Hare jabbered, cocking his head to one side, as if trying to decide whether or not to take offense at the Hatter's statement. Mally's eyes widened and she turned back to her tea, her whiskers twitching.

_He must have taken the wrong cup! Oh, dear madness…this is NOT good…_

Then, slowly, a smile crept over her lips, and she began to giggle madly.

_WAIT a minute!_

The Mad Hatter looked at her with lemon-colored eyes, confused.

"Mally? What's so funny? What…?"

"GAE!" shrieked Thackery, pointing wildly at Tarrant's jacket. "LUK, LUK, LUK! LUK DOON, HATTER! LUK _DOON!"_

Tarrant raised an eyebrow and looked down at himself.

He gaped and spluttered.

Was his coat getting bigger?

No! HE was getting SMALLER!

He looked at his cup, which seemed to be growing every second.

A swirl of green mixed in with the brown.

He glared up at the dormouse, who was by this point rolling on the table and laughing hysterically. His eyes were like tangerines.

_**"MALL - !"**_

The top hat fell over his face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter II: Little Big Hatman**

By the time Mallymkun stopped laughing, Tarrant was out of sight…probably buried in a mountain of clothing. Thackery had long since jumped under the tea table, and was crouched under it, shaking nervously and muttering through clenched teeth.

"B-b-b-bad magyk…bad, bad, bad…"

Mally ran to the edge of the table and peered over it anxiously into the Hatter's seat. Now that the giddy-goodness of the sugar rush had been expelled via a fit of laughter, she felt genuinely worried for Tarrant's well being; she'd seen Alice's experiences with pishsalver before, and knew clothing did not shrink with people. Sliding out of a dress and shoes was one thing, but a milliner's coat, top hat, and especially trousers were another matter entirely.

At first she saw nothing but a pile of empty clothes.

"Er…T-Tarrant?"

For a while there was no reply.

"Mally?"

Tarrant's muffled voice carried a thick, Outlandish accent. He was NOT a happy Hatter.

"Yes?"

"Tha' wus pishsalver, warn't it?"

"Well…yeah. Obviously."

"Why'd ye do it?"

"It wasn't for you! Thackery was supposed to take it!"

"OY!" yipped the March Hare from under the table.

"Well, he didnae take it, did heh, noo?"

"Well…no…"

A pause.

"Hatter?"

"Aye?"

"Where _are_ you?"

"In meh hat!"

"…Why are you in there?"

Another pause. Mally blushed, realizing the idiocy of her question.

"_GIT MEH SUM SCISSORS."_

"Right!" squeaked Mally, and jumped down to search the coat.

"Hare?" growled the muffled voice of the Hatter.

"A-aye?" peeped Thackery.

"Run te th' windmill. Git sum green thread an' a green tea cozy."

"Aye!" said the Hare, popping out from under the table and mock-saluting before bounding off to his house. Meanwhile, Mallymkun half-dragged a tiny pair of scissors out of a pocket of the coat and brought them over to the hat where it sat. She climbed underneath the brim and into the top hat.

Tarrant had taken one of his striped socks and was wrapping it about himself like a towel and tied a knot so it would not slip off his pale body. He was so pale he resembled a clown in full-body makeup. His arms, legs, and chest were lean, but muscular. He was only a head taller than Mally now, and his eyes were orange flecked with splotches of bloody red.

Not a good sign.

Mally felt her face warm up when she realized she had been staring. She shook her head to clear it and brought in the scissors.

"Hatter, it was just a little…"

The Hatter whirled around at her with a growl.

"Sorry."

"Watever. Jus' help meh git meh bearin's wen Thackery gits here, aye?"

Mally nodded.

"The Hare disnae have any upelkuchen, nor th' ingredients fer it, so we'll have te git it elsewhere."

"Yeah, I know."

"I figured," Tarrant glared.

Mally glared back. She understood Tarrant's frustration, but she still couldn't help but feel a little irritated with him.

"I said I was sorry. I meant it."

"Oh, did ye, noo?"

"Tarrant, it was a _joke!_ I'm _still_ smaller than _YOU_ even now, you know!"

The Hatter just rolled his eyes. At that moment the hat brim lifted again, and the March Hare's trembling paw slipped in, a spool of green thread and a darker green cozy in it. Tarrant grabbed it between two bloodless arms and – although it took several minutes, due to his change in size and the fact he refused Mally's help (saying, "Ye've 'helped' enough, lassy.") – and made himself a miniature suit, consisting of a green shirt and trousers. His feet would be exposed, but there was no helping that until he had more materials, although he did not plan on staying so small for very long.

"Cover yer eyes, dormoose," he growled. Mally slapped her paws over her eyes with a smirk, more to please the Mad Hatter than to spare herself, and waited until told to open them again as the milliner removed the sock and put on the shirt and trousers. He then flipped up the hat and stomped outside. Mallymkun followed.

Tarrant tried to jump up onto the table – he'd seen Mally do it often – but was not as agile, despite his nimbleness at dancing, as the valiant little swordswoman, and found himself trying to heave himself up with his arms.

"A hand here, will ye?" he snapped. Mally rolled her eyes and helped the Hatter up onto the table before jumping up herself.

"How do ye do tha'?" grumbled the Hatter. Mally smiled.

"Practice makes perfect."

The March Hare stared at the miniature Hatter for a few seconds, dressed in his tiny green suit, and then stared at his teacup for a long while before dumping the remainder of its contents into the dirt. Neither the dormouse nor the shrunken human noticed.

"Thackery," Tarrant ordered. "Watch meh hat. Tha' bluddy cat's bound ter try sum trick ter git at it. Mally an' I are gonna go luk fer sum upelkuchen, all righ'?"

The Hare gulped and nodded vigorously. Mally held up a hand to get the Hatter's attention.

"Actually…er…um…Tarrant, why not stay like this…for a while, at least?"

The Hatter stared at her with a fury and shock she'd never seen him use on her before.

"Well, that is…it might prove to be some sort of…unexpected advantage…?"

_For me…_

"Yer daft if ye kin I'm gonna stay lyke this! I cannae make hats wen I'm this small, ye silly roodant!"

Mally's fists clenched and her blood suddenly boiled. She HATED being referred to by her order name.

"If you EVER call me that again, Hatter…"

"Ye'll wat? Make meh disappear altogather?"

"It. Wasn't. For. You."

"I. DINNAE. _CARE!_ I'm the syze of a _slurking_ rat, fer Alice's sakes!"

Mally half sighed, half groaned. What was the use of arguing with an insane Hatter who had just been shrunk down to almost her size?

"Fine, Tarrant. You want to get bigger? All right by me. But I live at this size every day, so don't you expect sympathy from me too often. Now come on."

And she took off, grinning a bit wickedly. Oh, she'd help Tarrant find upelkuchen…but that didn't mean he was going to get a bit of it anytime soon.

The Hatter followed, barely able to keep up.

"Wait!" he called after her as they entered the wood. She stopped, realizing his voice was normal. She turned to him with a slight coldness. His eyes were blue-green, apologetic.

"I'm sorry," he said. "This is just extremely frustrating…"

"It can be," said Mally with a modest shrug. "Now, let's go."

For a few seconds they walked on in silence.

"Mally?"

"Yeah?"

"Where are we going?"

"The orange tree grove."

"Why? There's no one to ask there except…"

The Hatter's eyes once more turned orange and he came to a dead stop.

"Yer nut serious," he growled.

Mally smirked.

"Yep. It's funny you mentioned 'tha' bluddy cat,' isn't it?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter III: Impossibilities**

"Mus' weh ask HIM, lass?"

"Do you want to be your usual height or not, Hatter? Personally,_ I_ really don't care how big or small you are..."

"Whatcha mean by tha', noo?"

Realizing what she'd said, Mallymkun huffed, hiding her blush.

"Nothing. Just come on."

The shrunken Mad Hatter and the white dormouse had just arrived in the orange tree grove of Tulgey Woods.

"Chessur! Chess? Come on out!" the rodent called.

"I dinnae trus' him, lass...nae wen I'm lyke this..." grumbled Tarrant. Mallymkun rolled her eyes.

"You 'dinnae trus' him' period, Tarrant. But he can help, I'm sure of it. He's got to be around here somewhere..."

"Somewhere, here, there, anywhere, and everywhere! Yes, that's me!" came a sly voice.  
Tarrant and Mally swung about. As expected, Chessur sat above them in a tree. The cat chuckled.

"I'm _terribly _sorry! Did I startle you?" he purred innocently.

"Yes, you did, and no, you're not sorry at all, and you know it!" replied Mally, frustrated.

"Hm. True," the cat shrugged. Then he noticed the tiny human, who was backing away slowly - he wanted nothing to do with the Cheshire Cat, especially now - and smirked.

"And who, pray tell, is your LOVELY little friend?" growled Chess, his voice dripping with false friendliness. Mally couldn't help but giggle a bit.

"You don't recognize him?"

The cat raised an eyebrow.

"Should I?"

Mally smiled and grabbed the Hatter, pushing him forward. He snarled slightly, crossing his arms over his chest. His eyes were like pumpkins.

"Have another look," she said.

The cat cocked his head to one side. His eyes widened with surprise.

"Why, Tarrant! Have you lost weight?" he purred, teasingly.

"Ah, shut yer mouth, ye _slurvish_ cat," growled the Hatter.

Chessur's eyes narrowed. He was no longer teasing.

"Gladly," he hissed darkly. Then he turned his gaze back to Mally.

"And how did _this _occur, I wonder?"

Mally shrugged.

"You could say it was an accident..."

"OR," Tarrant interrupted, almost shouting by this time. "Ye _COULD_ say she slipped sum pishsalver in meh tea!"

"I told you, it wasn't supposed to be for you!"

"_So_," growled the cat, before the argument could heat up, "why come to me?"

"Simple: we wanted to know if you had any upelkuchen on you."

"On me? Never! Not very stylish."

"You know what I mean!"

The Cheshire Cat grinned wider.

"Yes, I do. But unfortunately for our tiny Tarrant, the answer is no."

Here he laughed before adding, "Not that I'd give him some if I did. "

Tarrant glowered.

_"Guddler's scut."_

"Shorty."

_"Slackish scrumps!"_

"Small Fry."

_"Slurking ur-pals!"_

"Leprechaun. You know, Tarrant, we could go on like this all day. OR..."

"Or what?"

"Or wat?"

"...Or, I _could_ tell you where to find some upelkuchen."

"Where?" asked Tarrant Hightopp, eagerly. The cat winked.

"If you have milk, never spill it…for free."

The Hatter sighed.

"All righ', felyne...whatcha want fer it?"

"I think you know _exactly_ what I want, Hatter," hissed the cat.

He grinned at Mally. The dormouse put her face in her paw.

_Here we go again…_

The Hatter's eyes were now crimson.

"Nae!" he shrieked. "Nae, nae, nae, and NAE agen!"

"It's not like YOU'LL be wearing it," meowed the cat. "Not until you're 'normal', anyway."

"I dinnae care!"

"Come on, Tarrant," Mally said. "It's only for a while."

The Hatter whipped towards her.

"WHO'S SYDE ARE YE UN, ANYWHO?"

"Mine. And, at least at present, his."

For a few seconds there was silence.

"I rally dyslyke ye aboot noo. Ye know tha', aye?"

"Yeah. I do."

The Mad Hatter then looked back up at Chess, who was idly licking a paw.

"An' if I refuse yer offer?"

The cat seemed to ponder the question for a few seconds. His turquoise eyes twinkled.

"Well...if you say no...I'll eat you."

Tarrant snorted.

"Ye wadnae DARE."

The cat vanished, and then reappeared with his paw on Tarrant's back, pressing him gently into the grass.

_"Yes I would,"_ he growled in a sing-song voice.

"Chessur! Get off of him, now!" snapped Mallymkun, whipping out her pin-sword to help her...THE Hatter. The cat looked at her with what she interpreted as a pout.

"Oh, must I?" he meowed. "It's such fun, him being this small..."

As if to emphasize his point, he licked the struggling Hatter's head lightly.

"Get off of him, now, or I'll neuter you myself!"

The cat cringed.

"Very well," he grumbled, and removed his paw. Tarrant jumped out, cursing wildly and flailing his fists about in the air.

"THAT...! HE...! I JUST...! IT ALMOST...!"

"Yeah. Enough to drive you sane, isn't it?" said Mally with a sympathetic smile, sheathing her blade. She turned back to the cat. "Will you help or not?"

"Does our miniscule milliner agree to my terms?" purred the cat innocently.

Tarrant's eye twitched.

Then he screamed with fury.

"FYNE! FYNE! GO UN, YE _MUCKLAN JOBBEL_!"

Chess smiled wider than ever.

"Thanks...MOUSEY." 


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter IV: The Plot Thickens...**

Mallymkun and the miniature Hightopp stood outside the door to the throne room of the White Palace in Marmoreal. The two banged on the silver-painted wooden door as hard as they could, until it was opened by the White Rabbit...

Who promptly fainted, immediately upon seeing the shrunken Mad Hatter.

The Hatter, meanwhile, slapped his palm to his face.

"McTwisp? Is everything all right?"

The owner of this new, golden voice approached the door, dressed in robes of purest white, with skin almost as pale, and eyes like melted milk chocolate. Mirana, the White Queen, looked down concernedly at the fallen Rabbit...and then her eyes landed on the dormouse and the tiny Hatter.

For a second, there was dead silence.

Then the Queen began to laugh hysterically.

Tarrant's eyes were now spirals of green, orange, and blue.

"T-Tarrant!" the Queen gasped out, trying to calm herself. "Wh-What...?"

"Please, yer Majesty," the Hatter sighed. "Dinnae ask meh..."

The Queen, still giggling herself to death, turned her gaze to Mally, who shrugged.

"Pishsalver in the tea," she explained, flatly.

"I see," the Queen said, her serious voice not matching her smile, which would have put Chessur into a stupor. "Was it Thackery?"

"No," Mally said, smirking. "This time it was me."

Mirana's eyes widened.

"You, Mally?"

The dormouse nodded.

The Queen laughed even louder than before...so loud, in fact, that it awakened McTwisp, who lay flat on his back.

"Help," he peeped.

The Queen, her dainty, manicured hands quivering with laughter, helped the White Rabbit to his feet. The lapin stood shakily, and then turned to Tarrant.

This time it was Mally who facepalmed, as the rabbit once again fainted.

The Queen, by this point, was trying to wipe tears from her brown eyes, and having difficulty breathing.

"Oh, my," she giggled, finally starting to calm down. "C-come with me, you two. I'll fix some upelkuchen in no time."

"Och! Finally!" Tarrant cried, lifting his gaze to the heavens.

The Queen chuckled, and, with a graceful pirouette, began to move down the hallway. The White Queen never simply walked...she seemed to fairly float across the floor.

Mally and the Hatter followed her, Mally moving a bit faster than her shrunken "friend." She ran up to the Queen and scurried up her leg, nearly causing Mirana to fall over in surprise as she climbed up her dress and settled on her shoulder.

"Psst!" she whispered. "Your Majesty?"

"Hm? Yes, Mally?" the Queen whispered back, and continued to walk, still momentarily stupefied.

Mally whispered something to the Queen, who grinned.

"I understand," she said. "Don't worry...your secret is safe with me, dear."

Mally smiled gratefully, a sense of mischief overlapping her expression.

"Thank you, Your Majesty."

When they reached the Queen's laboratory, the Queen turned back to look at the Hatter below her.

"Tarrant, wait right here."

"An' th' dormoose?"

"She'll come with me," she said simply. "The Bandersnatch is locked up, so I wouldn't worry."

The Hatter's eyes still swirled, but the green in them was gone.

"Very funny."

"I'm not trying to be," the Queen shrugged, and entered the room, Mallymkun still perched on her shoulder, shutting the door behind her.

"Now, why don't you want to give this to him right now, again?" the Queen asked, as she searched the cabinets for the ingredients.

"Because I'd like for him to experience what it's like to be my size, for a change; I sometimes get the feeling he takes things like that for granted…nothing yet has proved me wrong."

The Queen raised an eyebrow in her direction, a small jar in one hand.

"He won't think any less, or more, for that matter, of you in doing this."

Mally shrugged in response.

The Queen shook her head slightly and continued to look for what she needed.

"Let's see," she murmured, heading over to a mixing bowl. "All of the usual ingredients for cake, of course…eggs, butter, milk, flour…hamstrings…"

The White Queen put everything in and mixed the batter up.

"Now, for the real fun: a snip from a snail, a puppy dog's tail, sugared-spice, the fingernail of a baby, a bit of treacle-pepper, three teaspoons of Wishful Thinking – that's my favorite – and, for good luck and strength…"

She trailed off, and glanced around.

"Er…you don't see Nivens anywhere, do you, Mally?" the Queen asked, a little anxiously.

"No…"

The Queen sighed.

"Good," she said, and threw in a rabbit's foot.

Then she placed it into the oven.

"It will take three hours for the cake to cook."

"What do we tell Hatter?"

The Queen grinned.

"We give him a slight delay in time."

"How slight, Your Majesty?"

"Oh, not much…"

The two smirked in unison.

"Where will you keep the cake, Mirana?" asked Mally; while many rulers preferred titles to names, the White Queen didn't really mind one way or the other.

"Here, where it's safest. All we'll have to worry about is keeping it out of the March Hare's reach. I don't want upelkuchen splattered all over the walls…"

Mally nodded in understanding.

"Take care of him, won't you?" the Queen pressed. "We don't want to lose our Hatter."

"I'll watch after him like a dog."

_Always have._

"Well, Bayard can relate to that…let's get out there and inform him of the delay."

"Thanks again, Your Majesty."

"Oh, think nothing of it, my dear…even monarchs have a sense of humor. Now…"

Here the White Queen held out one hand, and the dormouse clambered up back onto her shoulder.

The Mad Hatter was pacing in the hall…he didn't cover much ground in his current state.

The instant he saw the Queen, his once more green eyes lit up in delight.

"Oh, Your Majesty! Mally! Where is the cake?"

The Queen half-heartedly faked a frown.

"Well…I have good news and bad news, Hatter."

Tarrant's smile faded, and his eyes, still green, grew skeptical.

"What's the good news?"

"That the cake is being baked as we speak."

"And the bad?"

The Queen and Mally shared (what looked to the Hatter like) a nervous glance.

"Ah…you see, upelkuchen takes three days to bake, and I don't have any finished cakes available…"

There was an almost tangible quietness about the hall.

"Th-th-three _DAYS?"_ spluttered the Hatter.

"I'm afraid so."

"Y-you mean I have to be this small for th-that long?"

"Again, I'm afraid so."

"B-b-b-b-but…"

"Aw, don't worry yourself, Hatter!" chuckled Mally, dropping down and coming up to him. "I'll be keeping an eye on you."

"That's what worries me," was the VERY serious answer.

Mallymkun rolled her eyes.

"Even if Mally hadn't already been planning to, I've given her strict orders to make sure nothing goes wrong between now and the third day. This a new size for you, and its best that someone close to it act as your guide. She's the closest, in more ways than one, to you, so…"

"And if she fails?"

The Queen smiled and shrugged.

"Well, we'll figure that out later. I doubt she will. After all, what can go wrong in three days?"

Then a flash of fire filled all minds, and the Queen's smile vanished.

"Oh," she said to herself. "Right…"

"Does this mean we have to talk to Chess again?" Tarrant asked Mally, sounding very much like a pouting child.

Mally smirked.

"Well, we _do_ have to tell him how utterly useless he was. Again."

_And hope he doesn't know how long upelkuchen REALLY takes to make…_


	5. Chapter 5

Notes: For you, Metal Frost; hopefully the next one (which will be MUCH more fun, I think) will be up tomorrow, but I make no promises.

A message to you all: past this (and the next) chapter, I have absolutely no inkling of where to take the story. Oh, I know WHAT I want to happen; I know what the ending will be, and the premise is fairly clear (tiny Tarrant learning what it means to be tiny, basically), but I have no idea as to what sort of events will take place between this point and the ending. (The main reason is that the possibilities are incredibly endless – and often absurd – so its figuring out which ones are the best, if any, to create a solid plot). If any of you should have any ideas, please send me them via a review or PM (or both).

Now, with that out of the way...

**Chapter V: A Jinxed Sentence**

A flying saucer greeted the Mad Hatter and the Dormouse as they approached the tea table.

Thankfully, it wasn't the kind made of metal and filled with little green men; the teasing (at Tarrant's expense) would then have never stopped.

No, it was a saucer of cream, which clattered on the ground, splattering its contents everywhere.

"GAE!" screamed the March Hare, leaping about like a wild thing and waving an eggbeater around as he spoke. "GIVE THA' BACK, YE _SLURKING_ CAT!"

The Cheshire Cat looked like he was having the time of his life, the long-missed weight of the top hat in question on his furry head. When a spoon or plate sailed towards him, he quickly vanished from sight, taking the hat with him. Then, after the Hare had looked around for him, he'd pop up behind him, duck a swing from the eggbeater, and vanish again.

"I told you, Thackery," Chess purred. "Tarrant told me I could wear it..."

"Ryght. An' I'm _Bluddy Behg Hid!_ GIVE IT 'ERE!"

A fork spun through the air. Chessur vanished as it stuck fast in the back of a chair.

"Thackery!"

The Hare turned towards the shout.

He gulped, noticing the Hatter, and instinctively ducked under the table.

"It warn't meh fault!" he said, voice muffled slightly.

"I knoo tha'," the Hatter said simply.

The Hare immediately popped back up.

"Ye did?"

"I sayd 'e could 'ave it," Tarrant Hightopp admitted as Mallymkun helped him up onto a chair, and then onto the table-top.

"Told you so," meowed Chess, evaporating into a chair and pouring himself a cup of tea.

Thackery frowned, huffed, and walked across the table back to his seat.

Mally went to get a cup of tea herself, while the Hatter sighed and sat on the table, in the spot where his usual chair was.

He glared at Chess, who smiled wider.

"I take it my information was of no help?"

"It warn't."

"Hmph. Funny. I could have sworn the Queen had some..."

"She did," Mally broke in. "Or, at least, she had the ingredients."

"In that case, why isn't our...er...little friend..."

_"Brackket yok..."_ snarled the Hatter.

"...Back to his usual size?"

"Because, apparently, upelkuchen takes a few days to bake properly," Mally said, calmly, not missing a beat.

The cat raised an eyebrow.

"Does it?"

Mally brought her cup to her lips and gulped (without drinking any tea yet).

_He knows..._

"Well, that's a pity..." Chess purred, nonchalantly. "I suppose Hatty and I have more time together then."

Mally glanced at him thankfully.

Tarrant growled.

"As soon as I'm meh usual syze," he hissed, "I'll beh gettin' it back."

"Of course you will," Chess crooned, smirking and taking a drink.

The Hatter sighed, shaking his head.

"Why me?"

"Oh, look on the bright side," snapped Mally, tired of the Hatter's whining.

"Is there one?"

"Of course; for one thing, I could've let Chess eat you. It would have saved me the trouble of hearing you moan all blasted day..."

Tarrant glared.

"I dinnae believe ye."

"Oh, don't worry, Hatter; I wasn't hungry anyway," Chess put in, shrugging.

"Would ye please leave?" snapped Tarrant, irritably.

Chess cocked his head slightly, grinning innocently.

"Am I bothering you, Oh Helper of Father Wintreon?"

"I'm not an elf, an', yes, ye are."

"Funny; I'm not even TRYING to, yet..."

"Yer wearin' MY HAT," growled Tarrant, rising. "Tha' ALOON is frustratin'."

Chess smiled back.

"Three days," he said simply in reminder, and swept it off his head, brushing his nose against the fabric. "But, if you want me to go..."

And without another word, he disappeared.

Tarrant groaned, putting his face in his hands and sitting back down.

"I'm gonna kill tha' cat..."

"You've said that many times," Mally thought to tell him. "It hasn't happened yet."

Tarrant glowered at her with orange irises.

"I'm not really fond of ye, either, in case ye'd lyke to know..."

The dormouse just shrugged.

"I can take it," she said simply. "Don't forget: I'm going to be in charge for a while now."

"Joy."

The dormouse rolled her eyes and put down her teacup.

"Thackery?"

"Hm?" the Hare murmered in question, leaning forward intently.

"Would you mind doing me a favor?"

"Whatcha need?"

"Run to the nearest toy shop and get another bed."

The Hare nodded, and bounded away, dropping the teacup he'd been holding.

"What's the bed for?" Tarrant asked, voice now a bit more "normal."

"First of all, to get rid of Thackery."

"Oh."

"Second of all: where do you expect to sleep while you're like this?"

The Hatter blinked.

He clearly had no idea what she meant.

Mally sighed.

"Tarrant...I'm only a mite shorter than you now, yes?"

"Yes."

"And where do I sleep?"

"In a teapot."

"And what do I use?"

"A bed made from tea leaves."

"Precisely. So where are you sleeping?"

"In...your teapot?"

"Yes. In the bed I just sent the Hare to get for you."

The Hatter stared, not quite sure of how to respond.

"What?"

"I don't know whether to say 'thank you' or not."

"You're welcome, anyway," Mally said, and smiled to herself.

"Ooh! A sleepover!" purred a voice. "Mind if I drop by?"

"I tol' ye to go away!"

"Since when have I ever done what you told me, my pint-sized pipsqueak?" Chess growled, leaning his head in one paw, bored, gently running a paw along the brim of the top hat, which he had placed on the table.

The Hatter glared at the cat, then looked at his hat.

He shuddered slightly.

"I don't want a scratch, tear, or anything of the sort on her when I get her back," he said, still angry, though his voice didn't show it. "Do you understand me?"

"I shall treat her as if she were my own," Chess purred, and rubbed his cheek against the top hat. "And, for three days, I suppose she is..."

"Go away, Chess," Mally said, flatly.

The cat grinned at her.

"You're more eager than I am, aren't you?" was all he said before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

The Hatter looked at the dormouse quickly, confused.

"What was THAT supposed to mean?"

Mally didn't answer, just glaring at the spot where the Cheshire Cat had been.

"Nothing," she mumbled. "He's a stupid cat."

Tarrant sighed again, then smiled slightly.

"Well...I suppose I might as well do what you told me: look on the bright side?"

"Good idea."

"I mean, you do have a point," Tarrant went on, eyes brightening slightly. "It is only for a few days, and...well, what could possibly go wrong? How could things get any worse?"

There was silence.

"Oh...I shouldn't have said that, should I?"

Before the dormouse could reply, a soft voice echoed through the forest...

_"Hatter! Hare! Mallymkun! Is anyone there?"_

Both looked towards the direction of the voice.

"Alice..." gulped Tarrant.

"Does _that _answer your question, Hatter?" smirked Mally.


	6. Chapter 6

Notes: Thanks for the suggestion for this chapter, and a later one – won't say how much later – to Icy Metal and Frost Blue Roses (formerly "Metal Frost"). If you haven't heard of this very funny author, want a few laughs, or simply have nothing better to do on a very boring day, I would STRONGLY recommend their story _Alice vs. the Mad Hatter._

Now, with that said...

**Chapter 5: Alice, Alice...**

The Mad Hatter's eyes shone with panic.

Alice – and it was ABSOLUTELY _THE_ Alice – was coming to visit...and he was the size of a rat.

Instantly, he ran up to Mally, and grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Hide me!"

Mallymkun blinked, stunned silent for a moment.

"...You're asking _me_ for help?"

"Please! I can't let anybody else see me like this...and especially not...not _HER!"_

Mally sighed, relenting, and rolled her eyes.

"The blue teapot beside Thackery's seat. I _think_ it's empty."

Tarrant nodded, and, quick as a flash, scrambled into the teapot...

The dormouse heard a faint PLOP, and smirked.

"Of course, I could be wrong..."

"Mally!"

The white rodent looked up with a slight glare at the blonde young woman who was approaching.

"Hello there, Alice," she greeted, unenthusiastically.

"Hello, Mally," Alice replied with a smile; she was used the dormouse's temperament by now. "Where are the Hare and the Hatter?"

"The Hare left a short time before you got here."

"And Tarrant?"

Mally frowned; she didn't mind the Champion referring to her..._the, the, THE_ Hatter as "Hatter" (everyone did), but when the girl...the girl who left him TWICE...called Tarrant "Tarrant," she felt like she'd bitten into a rotten grape.

"He's...er..."

Mally tried to think up a good lie.

Not much success greeted her.

"Is something wrong?" Alice asked, coming closer, concerned.

"No! He...he left with the Hare."

"Oh," said Alice, simply. Her face was blank; something told the dormouse she didn't buy it.

There was a pause.

"Mind if I sit down?"

Mally shrugged. Alice smiled, and sat down...

Right where Thackery usually sat.

Mally stared, her cup halfway up to her lips.

_Oh, dear..._

"Do you think the March Hare will mind if I borrow his seat?"

Mally blinked, and smirked slightly.

"As long as you're out of it before he gets back? No. The HARE won't mind...not him..."

She grinned as a short, soft curse echoed from inside the blue teapot.

"Did you hear something?" Alice asked, looking around.

"No," Mally said, shaking her head and taking a sip of her tea.

Alice eyed her curiously, and shrugged, taking a piece of bread and butter.

"So...where did the Hatter and Hare go?"

"No idea," said Mally, half-honestly; she didn't know where Thackery had gone to get the toy bed.

She gulped, hard, as Alice reached for a very certain teapot...

"I...I think that teapot's empty," she piped up.

Alice looked at her.

"Are you sure?"

Mally nodded.

Alice reached for a different one.

The dormouse sighed softly with relief.

The relief didn't last long, as – for the THIRD BLASTED TIME – the Cheshire Cat popped up, wrapped around Alice's shoulders. The girl smiled, not wholly surprised.

"Hello, Chess," she said.

"_Fairnee,_ Alice."

"What does that mean?"

"It means 'good day,'" the cat explained.

"It isn't a good day with YOU around," snarled Mally. "How many times today do I need to tell you to leave?!"

"As many as it takes; clearly, this last time wasn't enough. Quite honestly, though, I didn't just come back to irritate you..."

The cat then turned back to Alice, moving smoothly off her shoulders and smiling at her as he floated before her.

"I came because I noticed Alice on her way over here. Notice anything...different about me, Alice, dear?"

"I do. And I'm not going to save you if Tarrant tries to get you for stealing his hat...again."

"Ah, but this time I _didn't_ steal it."

"No, you blackmailed him for it," snapped Mally.

The cat shrugged.

"Blackmailed, borrowed, got in on loan...take your pick."

The dormouse just glared at him.

"You know, I'm not going to save you, either," she growled. "I might even help him."

"Mally! You wound me..."

"I wish."

The cat smirked, saying nothing.

"Blackmailed? How?"

Mally turned quickly to Alice, then sighed to herself, turning her gaze down as she took a drink of her tea.

_Why can't I keep my mouth shut...?_

"You mean...you don't know?" the cat purred, eyes wide, grin even wider.

"No...know what? What's going on?"

The cat's whiskers twitched excitedly.

His voice, however, remained calm.

"Nothing, really...I'll tell you later, Alice, love."

The cat then drifted downward...

And picked up the blue teapot.

"In the meantime...shall I pour you a fresh cup of tea?"

Mally glared daggers at him.

_Oh, please, no, Chess...not now..._

Alice eyed him curiously.

"Mally said that one was empty."

"Really?" Chess said, eyes even wider now. He placed an ear against the pot and shook it slightly.

"Hmm...I hear tea sloshing around. Doesn't seem empty to me."

Here he turned towards Mally, smiling oh-so-innocently.

"You REALLY should keep up with your inventory, dormousey."

Mally's face was bright red, her eyes narrowed, her whiskers twitching.

"I'm going to break every bone in your body, Chessur. Every. Single. Bone," she warned.

The cat paused, as if considering this.

"Hmm...honestly, with the exception of 'in my sleep, settling what I didn't know was a poisonous fish,' I can't think of a more interesting way to die."

He turned back to Alice.

"Tea?"

Alice, by this point, didn't seem to know which way was up.

"Ah...I already have a full cup," she said, quietly.

The cat's grin dipped, slightly, then expanded again.

"Well, in that case, I'll just get myself a cup!"

Before Mally could stop him, he had grabbed an empty cup and, settling into a chair, began to pour...

A loud splash interrupted him.

The cat reached into his half-filled cup and plucked a very small, tea-soaked figure out, before placing gently on the table before Alice, and continued pouring, as if nothing had happened.

Alice gaped at the Mad Hatter, the size of a mouse and gasping for breath, dressed in a green suit and sopping wet with tea.

He looked up at Mally with blood-red eyes.

"Empty, eh?" he snarled.

The dormouse gulped, and shrank back slightly; even she couldn't look him in the eye when he was THAT angry...

"T-Tarrant?"

The Hatter looked up, speechless, at Alice, who just stared back. Both looked stunned.

There was a long, and rather awkward, silence...

Which was interrupted by a sharp yowl from the Cheshire Cat as Mally leapt at him and stabbed his paw with her pin-sword.

"What was THAT for?" he growled, licking his paw, eyes narrowed angrily.

"Oh, you know **BLOODY WELL** what THAT was for!" she sqeaked, enraged, slicing the air with her blade. "Now, GO AWAY! And, for the love of TREACLE, do _NOT_ come back!_**LEAVE! SCAT! SHOO!"**_

Chessur hissed, indignant, and vanished...hopefully not to return for the rest of the day.

The dormouse stood for a moment, seething, and sheathed her weapon.

She turned back, smiling apologetically at the Hatter.

"I'm not very good at my job, am I?"

"So far, no."

"Wh-what happened to you?" Alice asked, leaning forward; her eyes were glazed, her mouth wide open. A cruel person might have said she looked dumb. We shall simply say she looked "dumbfounded."

"Ask _her,"_ hissed the Hatter, whipping his arm in Mally's direction, as he stood up and tried to shake himself off.

Alice turned toward the dormouse, who sighed (again).

"I had too much sugar this morning; I wanted to play a trick on the Hare. So, I found some pishsalver, and put in one of the teacups...and...well...Hatter took the wrong cup..."

"I...I see," Alice said, a smile twitching at the corner of her lips; clearly, she was trying not to laugh. She turned back to the Mad Hatter.

"So...what now?" she said, coughing to suppress a giggle.

"Firstly, I'm gonna fix mehself a new suit..."

Mally smirked to herself.

"Then, I'm gonna figure out th' best way te murder a dormoose..."

"You may certainly try," Mally said, coolly.

At that moment, a loud whistle echoed over the clearing.

"Och!" called Thackery, bounding over to the table. "Hatter! I got yer bed!"

Alice could no longer contain it; she laughed so hard, she fell out of her seat.


End file.
